Life, in Apple Style

iBorn

iCry

iLaugh        

iEat

iDrink

iFart

iBurp

iShit 

iWalk

iSmile 

iSpeak 

iSchool

iWrite

iFriend

iPlay

iEnjoy

iDirty

iClean

iStudy

iHate

iTry

iWin

iLose

iPuberty

iHorny

iLove

iMiss

iSad

iLove

iHit

iHappy

iDream

iCreate...iHuman

iKnw

iUnderstand

iDream

iGraduate

iListen

iDream

iWork

iMoney

iRest 

iDream

iHope

iMarry

iSex

iKid

iDream

iHope

iWork

iMoney

iWork

iMoney

iWork

iMoney

iBored

iRemember

iVacation

iDream

iHope

iWork

iMoney

iWork

iMoney

iWork

iMoney

iHope

iOld

iForget

iPray

iCry

iDie

In between all this, you forgot the most important one

iLive.

Why Gandhi Is Not In Peace Even In Heaven

The entire Indian freedom fighters clan is in heaven and seeing how their ‘free’ country is deteriorating every passing day. So to divert their attention from the negativities of the world which is alive on earth, our clan decides to watch a film. They decided to watch Peepli Live instead of the smash hit. The two foremost ‘leaders’ are discussing:

Lal Bahadur Shastri (LBS): I’ve come to know that this one is produced by that short actor who has been publicized as a perfectionist. What’s his name?

Mohandas Gandhi (MG): You need to read Bombay Times along with the regional dailies. You must keep an open mind Lal. That guy’s name is Aamir Khan. I don’t know why he has replaced his surname from the original Hussain? Do you know that this was the official selection to be sent to the Oscars?

LBS: Sir jee I know your affinity with the Oscars. The film made on your life won many naked golden man trophies naa. Hehehehe…

MG: You read my mind my fellow. Let’s watch the film.

And he announces that this film will be viewed without an intermission and requested Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose not to revolt for this!

After watching the film, all our national heroes are dejected.

LBS: These guys start so many schemes in our names and do not deliver it to the poorest of the Indians. We are witnessing the carnage from above but I never thought it wouldn’t reach cinema. I’m glad. But do you think the film will help anyone?

MG: I think both of us know the answer! So let’s not talk about it.

LBS: I still want to believe that HUM SAB EK HAIN.

MG: After doing so much for ‘our country’ and opting for the 3^rd class accommodation in heaven too due to my ideologies, everyday looking at earth, I feel that KYA HUM SAB C****** THE?

Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose: (thinking)…we should have watched that other smash hit Dabanng, at least for once Bapu would have received some solace in his death.

...................................................................................................................................................................

The above post is a satire directed towards the existing 'leadership' of India; just in case, if you did not get it!

Why Growing Up In 80’s And Early 90’s Was Cooler Than Growing Up In Noughties?

I am a child of the mid 1980’s and early 1990’s. Things were much more serene then. In our summer vacations we just used to go to the ground and get ourselves dirty by playing cricket, football, hopscotch, kho-kho or the Indian favourite gilli-danda. We actually ‘followed’ cartoon shows religiously because they used to be aired only during the vacations! Yes, that era of bland programming of Doordarshan  when ‘Fun-Time’ at 11 a.m. was really some fun, when Duck Tales and Tale Spin ruled the roost. Giant Robot was much cooler than Optimus Prime because he could be summoned by a kid with a simple ‘Come on Giant Robot’!

But nowadays, there is a cartoon overload on television. Tom & Jerry, Pink Panther and Scooby-Doo are long forgotten and the new, ‘full of crap’ cartoons have taken over. The only violence that we saw in the cartoon was thrashing of plates and cats and dogs chasing each other in some healthy natural banter. And now we have 10 year old characters 'fighting’ with weapons!

I'm sure we all lived with Mario of the Super Mario Brothers fame to save the pixelated princess and despised to see this again and again!

Eighties and nineties were the days when corporal punishment was existent and practiced in all schools and homes. When I meet my school friends or reminisce about my school days, apart from recalling our teachers whom we had a crush on, we remember how a certain teacher thrashed us or thrashed a friend.

I remember my Art & Craft teacher Mr. Maher thrashing me almost black and blue in the fifth grade; the funny part is neither then nor till now, do I know the reason of the thrashing! Maher sir was a brooding dark fellow over six feet tall with a soft voice. I think God installed his baritone into Archana Puran Singh or Lillette Dubey!

I remember, this one time we were all set in our school bus on way back to our homes and my friend Muzaffar was lame enough to yell “Aye Kaalu” (Yo Blackie!) to Mr. Maher who was passing by. He didn’t intend it to be audible, but then a yell is supremely audible, isn’t it? And then Maher sir entered the bus and we all cornered up into our seats and he smelled the extreme fear that was oozing out of Muzaffar’s face. Muzaffar was, and is, a very fair guy and he had turned red by the time Maher sir had finished thrashing him. After he left, we did not know what to do, whether to laugh our asses out or to console Muzaffar! We settled for gulping down the vision of the battering and telling Muzaffar that “it’s OK’, at least he didn’t call his parents, which would have earned him some more red marks at home, if you know what I mean.  But today, we ‘laugh our asses off’ over that incident.

Those were the days when parents too spanked us, when required. I think they raised their hands only to correct us when we were wrong and never to curb us. Today I look at kids, yelling in the malls and black mailing their parents for buying the seventeenth ‘Ben 10’ toy in 3 months and the parents trying to reason with them how they have sixteen at home and how a seventeenth wouldn’t help. And like the previous 16 times, they fail to ‘win the argument’ and buy the toy. At times like these I feel like going and telling them, “Beat that kid, the prick needs some spanking and he’ll shut his mouth and behave!”

I’m not ‘pro-beating-your-kid’.  I’m ‘pro-beat-that-kid-when-he-is-unreasonably-demanding’ (I remember Russell Peters's stand-up comedy act of Beating Your Children as I write this) 

These are the two things that I’ve noticed. I think you value things when they are scarce. That’s why we loved cartoons and I still go gaga over Tom and Jerry watching it for the 649^th time and still laugh. That’s why my generation knows the value of money and is not as materialistic as the current generation kids who are growing up. That’s why I still kept my He-Man (click & enjoy the opening theme) action figure for over 2 decades, and parted only when it broke and could not be displayed upright in the glass cabinet. We love our parents for beating us at the right time and that’s why we are reasonable and not demanding and will never be demanding with our peers, friends, families, spouses and children. We love our teachers for being imperfect and yet showing us the way towards excellence.

There was something magical about growing up in the eighties and the nineties.  

Monsoon's Arrival...2011

So I finally arrived in Mumbai on Thursday, 2nd June and caught everyone unaware. And like every year no one was prepared for me. And yet like every year the people thanked me for coming.

There is something magical about my arrival. When I touch people on their heads I can read  their thoughts. And I read this guy's thoughts...

This was after years that he strolled on my arrival without the fear of getting wet. He enjoyed my company like he used to when he was in school. He simply did not care! He was glad that I touched his face. So many times he looked up.

Oh how I loved his smiling face, 
His shoes all wet, he didn't care a damn.


For once he forgot time's race,
And turned a child, from a man.

Also on the other hand there were many who were cursing me for my early arrival. Why is it that the people love me and then hate me as the season progresses? It's not my fault that there are traffic jams, water logging, dilapidated buildings tearing apart, etc.

Blame thyself oh human beings! I bring life with me, and you find devastation in life too...

We Don't Want Self Sacrifice, We Just Want You To Fuck Off

Japan was never alien to catastrophes, human or natural. The recent natural disaster has also spilled over to man-made disaster. Japan is now facing a nuclear crisis. 

The Tokyo Electrical Power Company (TEPCO) has deployed it's workers to its nuclear plant. What touched me was the report of the Japanese elderly. Here are some people who are in their last years and willing to offer help by sacrificing themselves by being exposed to lethal radiation. They are offering to go to the plant and do what is required. 

Their argument is that young people have a higher chance of cancer due to radiation. (Cancerous cells multiply very slowly in older human beings. It's approximately 50% slower) They are in their final years or maybe days. Besides it was during their youth that nuclear power was set up. So it is their responsibility to cover up their mess. Why should the current young generation pay for what they have done! WOW!

Read the short CNN report here. 

Now this got me thinking about "my country's elders". The elders who are leading our country. The elders who want to have everything till they die. Forget self-sacrifice, the elders who are willing to kill the youth if it is required. I wonder when will the elders move away and let new blood come in?