30 November 2010

Metrosexuals Are Gay!

Before I start, I would like to enlighten the reader with a few definitions. The definitions have been sourced from Wikipedia.

Heterosexuality consists of sexual behavior, practices, and identity predicated on exclusive preference or desire for the opposite sex.

Homosexuality refers to an enduring pattern of or disposition to experience sexual or romantic attractions primarily or exclusively to people of the same sex

Metrosexual is a blend of the words metropolitan and heterosexualcoined in 1994, describing a man who displays characteristics associated with homosexual men (such as a strong concern for his appearance), although he is not homosexual. Debate surrounds the term's use as a theoretical signifier of sex deconstruction and its associations with consumerism.

I feel that there are only two kinds of people, heterosexual and homosexual. I’m a heterosexual male who feels that homosexuals deserve their rights. But I feel that these metrosexuals are robbing our homosexual friends of their identities. How?

I want u to read the definition for metrosexuals once again, especially this part - who displays characteristics of homosexual men.

So, if there’s a straight, heterosexual man who displays characteristics of a homosexual man, is he partly gay. YES! Then that way, a metrosexual man is partly gay!

I really don’t know, why do some heterosexual males want to be metrosexuals? The definition (and if you have common sense) will tell you that it’s a cleverly disguised ploy to get a hell lot of money out of your pocket to make you,  partly homosexual (the consumerism angle). And you know what? There are men who fall for it!

Yes! You are paying your own hard earned money to be gay! (Well…partly!)

Now the men who say that metrosexuality is not being gay, I say, screw you! You’re morons who don’t think for yourselves.

In 1994, a British journalist called Mark Simpson coined this term to sell some glossy magazines to men. This fucker told you that you need to get a manicure and pedicure, to get your body and your ass waxed, to get facials, apply cream on your face, colour your hair, etc. etc. etc. And men listened. Rather, men, with money and a lot of free time, listened.

Over the period of years, marketers have convinced men that they need some cream before they get out of home. Salons are catering to men for manicure, pedicure, body and ass waxing! (I can’t tell the yucky feeling I’m getting to write all this)

With all due respect, let’s leave the above, obviously incomplete list of things for the ladies. (I’m not saying homosexuals because they are actually emulating the ladies)

The argument that I’ve heard is that metrosexuality makes a man, CLEAN. I say, fuck you! It makes a man, a sissy!

Imagine you have your kid playing with some guests at home and they ask him or her, “Where is your daddy?” And your kid replies, “Daddy has gone to the salon for a manicure and a pedicure!” How lame is that?

Marketers have filled garbage in men’s head that we men need to be ‘clean’ in a ‘metrosexual’ way to attract women. There’s a difference between cleanliness and being a sissy.

If a man takes a bath every day, (and if you sweat badly, bath twice) he is clean. If a man cuts his nails once a week, he’s clean. If a man cuts his hair once a month, he is clean. (and presentable) If a man wears washed, ironed clothes, he’s clean. If a man trims his pubic hair regularly, he’s clean. (Sorry for the last one ladies, I need to drive the point into the minds of my kind)

All I’m saying is that a man needs to be clean and hygienic. We men don’t need some company to tell us what to do and how to live our lives! 

If I’m not mistaken, looks are important for women too. But most women give more importance to other, more concerning attributes, like the man’s intelligence, his ability to hold an interesting conversation, his etiquettes, etc. (and his bank balance too :p Not always I know!)

Ladies, tell me if I’m wrong.

And if there are women who want their men waxed, I say, they are lesbian’s in their head!

There is a clear demarcation of things that only women do and should be left to them. If homosexual men do it, it’s cool. Why? Well, because they are homosexuals! But if straight men do it and proclaim that they are metrosexuals, they are definitely faggots in their heads!

25 November 2010

Making Babies is India's Prime Time.

On 20th November 2010, I read this small article in Times of India in the international section. I found it to be completely hilarious. No Indian needs to conduct a scholarly research to know that sooner or later Britain will be brown, and whites will be the fearful minority.

I say, the Britons called this wrath upon themselves. They should have never invaded India at the first place.

Yes, they ruled over us for over a couple of centuries. We had 100 Indians for 1 Briton yet we shoo-ed them away only after a couple of centuries. Had we squashed them like mosquitoes with our bare hands, we wouldn’t have had to wait for two fucking hundred years to reclaim our own land! We were a complacent lot and probably still are. But look at the flipside, had we shoo-ed them away earlier, we wouldn’t have had a Gandhi. And no Gandhi means our currency would have adorned some Maharaja or would have been without a hero. There would have been no posthumous Nobel peace prize for the man and most importantly Lage Raho Munna Bhai wouldn’t have been possible! Hehehe…

Sorry I drifted away from the topic of discussion! Let’s get back…

You see, a couple of centuries easily translate to at least 6 generations of any family. Over 6 generations of Indians’ happiness was fucked by the goraa people.  When the British left, they took everything from us and we were very angry. We had nothing to entertain ourselves with. So we started to have sex merrily. It was free entertainment! (I’m assuming only married couples here :p) We had so much sex that I can say – Making Babies became India’s Prime Time Entertainment. (and still is I guess; considering the rate we’re growing)

The case of our population was like a glass filled incessantly up to the brim and dripping continuously. And when the water overflows and falls from the glass, it spreads on the floor. The world became our floor and we started migrating everywhere. Without any scholarly research I can say that, you can find an Indian wherever you find a cockroach. Hehehe… Like cockroaches, Indians are survivors and master adapters.

We were angry that they looted us for two centuries and we couldn’t kill them even when they could have been easily outnumbered. We wanted REVENGE! Mahabharata says that revenge is the purest emotion. But revenge need not be violent. Being the students of Gandhi, we knew that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

So, we took revenge by going to Britain and fuck their happiness by doing what we do best. HAVING SEX!!! We fucked amongst us and fucked them!  And look where we have reached. Over 25% of Britain is ‘brown’ today and I’m sure we’ll be a majority before the estimated year, 2066. 

Goraas ruled over many countries but only we screwed them. You don't mess with the Indians!!! 

22 November 2010

Untitled Sestet

I live in my head.
Where I am, ME.

I am a loner.
I'm not mad.

I'm just a dreamer.
Who needs his own pad.

21 November 2010


Porn has been an influencing us in establishing norms of sexuality, even though the norms we form are overtly wrong!

It is unfortunate that all around the world, youngsters get their first idea of sexuality from porn. Porn has adverse effects on our self image, men and women both. Boys grow up to be men and dream of getting ‘porn penises’ which can defy the length of the Leaning Tower of Pisa [minus the lean off course ;)] and the women want to be 38-24-36 to attract any man! And in the end, quite a lot of people get discontented with their bodies and few of them start hating it. Some morons end up having surgery. GAWD!!!

Porn has been there for decades and growing rapidly. It is estimated that over 30% websites of the world host pornographic content and most of them give free sample images and videos.

We are all past the stage of curiosity and are mature enough to understand that porn is bad where women are objectified and, to a certain degree, the men too.

Research done all over the world has concluded that guys should get it out of their heads that length matters! (These researches are quite regularly published in the leading dailies in India). Too speak in a friend’s words, “It’s not how big you are, it’s how good you are!”

So men, get the crass out of your head! And as far as the women are concerned, I can’t comment as I really don’t know how they have been porn-ified!

P.S.: And if you can’t stop watching porn, at least reduce it. Get a hobby for Chrissake !!! (: p)

19 November 2010

The Rickshaw Ride

On a Saturday, Mr. Yan left from the bar, bid his friends good night and walked towards the rickshaw stand. Midnight had passed over an hour ago. Sunday had arrived. He wasn't tipsy at all as he never sipped more than one glass of beer. He just gorged on the peanuts and smoked merrily.

Home was merely a 5 minutes ride away. Mr. Yang smoked his last cigarette taking deep long puffs. He was getting restless as he was a chatterbox and never liked to be silent for a long time so he initiated chatting with the silent rickshaw driver.

"Where are you from bhaiyya?"

To which the driver replied, "I'm from around here."

This was the strangest reply he got from any driver. Usually it was Uttar Pradesh, Bihar or some town in Maharashtra.

"How long you have been in Bombay?"

"Longer than what you can ever imagine sir-jee."

"You don't talk much bhaiyya."

"I don't drive much sir-jee."

"Why don't you drive much?"

"That's because I'm not from around here and don't belong here. By the way sahib, we've almost reached your place."

Mr. Yang got down a little stupefied by the unusual answers. He reached his trouser's rear pocket for the wallet and pulled it out. He took a step ahead to pay the driver. He had a look at the driver's smiling face. He handed over the money to the driver. The driver returned some loose change which Mr. Yang dropped.

He bent down to pick it up and saw that the driver's foot was .......... turned backwards!

The moment from that sight to standing up again was the longest time of Mr. Yang's life.When he stood up he wanted to shout and run, but couldn't do anything. He was frozen out of fear. He didn't want to see the driver's face.

Then the driver said, "I think you know where I'm from" and grunted a ghastly laugh.

The driver walked away, to Mr. Yang's opposite side. His toes on his 'back-turned' foot wiggled and waved to Mr. Yang like a pianists finger dancing away on the piano. 

Mr. Yang woke up on Tuesday on his bed; still with a high fever! He was so afraid that he slept for 2 days on a trot! His parents told him that their building's watchman found him talking to the rickshaw driver and then he fainted. When the watchman ran towards him, he found Mr. Yang shivering with his teeth chattering and his trousers soaked in his urine.

Mr. Yang never took a rickshaw ride alone for the rest of his life.

16 November 2010

The Curious Case of Mr. Unfortunate

Last week I was very busy for a change. There were a few things that I wanted to write but slipped out of my mind. But this didn't.

On the 9th of November 2010 at 9pm on Sony TV Mr. Amitabh Bachchan was there as usual. My mother was super excited because this common man on the hot seat was about to win Rs. 1 crore. And like always, my mother's enthusiasm rubbed on to me and I sat to watch the show.

It was an exemplary show of composure by the gentleman from Meerut who managed to win a crore rupees and faced the ultimate question of Rs. 5 crore! He didn't know the answer to the Rs. 5 crore question. The ever gracious Mr. Bachchan asked the contestant's parents and the expert of the episode whether he should go ahead with the question or not. Both the parties rightly said a NO, to which the contestant wrongly acted and went ahead and lost and eventually took home Rs. 3,20,000! 

Being a common man I felt very hurt for the gentlemen and out of sheer frustration I said, "Chutiya saala!

When the episode wrapped up my father shared a story he heard from someone and in turn I'm sharing it with you. I think the story was an excellent explanation for the unfortunate man from Meerut.

There was a poor but ardent Shiva bhakt. He never failed to offer his prayers to his favourite Lord Shiva. Lord Shiva's wife, Goddess Parvati was extremely happy with this particular fellow. She requested Lord Shiva to grant this poor soul some worldly treasure for his piety to which Lord Shiva replied that he is destined to be unfortunate and remain poor. Goddess Parvati requested if that be the case, then at least the Lord should bestow some treasure at least once in the poor man's life. Lord Shiva gave into the request. (like every husband I guess : p) The Lord placed gold and other precious metals wrapped in a piece of cloth on the poor man's daily path. The poor man traveled through the same path everyday. The day when the Lord placed the bundled treasure on his path, the man was in an adventurous mood. He decided to close his eyes and walk the path as he had been traveling the path for years and remembered it in the eye of his mind. As a result, he failed to see the bundle in his blind revelry. 

To this Lord Shiva told her wife, "Some men are destined to be unfortunate. Even if they have the greatest treasures to be merely picked up, they will fail to do so." 

This gentleman notionally earned a crore rupees with a Michael Schumacher like precision, full of calculated risks. But for the the last question he failed to calculate the risk and the effect of not calculating the risk was his failure where he lost almost everything he won! 

He reached the summit, but toppled down to the base. Maybe his destiny was just to reach there; not to hoist the flag!   

09 November 2010

What Happened? Did Your Balls Drop Off?

You need to stay safe so you wear seat belts when you ride a car. You buy a house for the security of your own place. You get a job to secure steady inflow of income. You buy insurance because you don’t know how your family will cope up when you pass away.

From the moment we gain consciousness to the moment we die, we want to stay secured and safe. Why are the majority of human beings so inclined to being safe?

The question to ask ourselves is, “Are we really safe?”

We tie down ourselves  in the garb of security. We have been enslaved by security.

We restrict ourselves to do something what we are truly capable of. Just rewind to the time when we were kids. We took great risk when we learnt to walk. Do you have any idea how many thousand times you must have fallen to walk your first wobbly walk? Do you remember how many bruises you earned in your endeavour to run? How many trophy scars you have on your knees when you fell from your initial cycle ride without the side support? These are just a few examples to illustrate that we took great risks to learn and grow. I’m sure we all had apprehensions when we took the first cycle ride. But were your fathers or brothers or friends always running next to you to catch you, if you may fall? I’m sure the answer for most of us is, NO.

Why then, do we grow up to be so scared and hardly live up to our true human potential? Why do we believe in the naysayers and perfect ourselves in our flawless illusion of our ‘secured’ shells?

I often ask myself the greatest question which the Joker in The Dark Knight asks the mobsters conducting a meeting in closed quarters as they are afraid of the Batman, “What happened? Did your balls drop off?”

No matter how badly we want to answer a loud NO to the above question, but sadly the answer is YES! We all grow up to be too scared to try new things. We all are victims of security.

The answer that some of us may have is, “It’s risky to do this” or “What would happen if…” or “What would they think” and so on. We start weighing everything and choose options where there is some certainty involved. When there is extreme uncertainty of favorable results, we shy away taking that path.

When we learn to walk as toddlers we are 100% uncertain, only the grown ups watching us knew that sooner or later we’ll surely walk. Rising from the floor crawling level to the reach the phenomenal point of the standing level was an extremely uncertain act of courage for all of us. It’s just that when we grow up, we forget everything and the world around us conditions us quite negatively.

We start looking at every action’s results even before attempting it and as a result fail to act!!!

Why am I talking about it? I’ll answer metaphorically, yet again, in the words of the Joker.

Yes! The balls did drop off! I realized and admit it because I want to be the man (human) I was meant to be!

What Happened ???

P.S.: What I've posted is nothing new. Just felt that we all, still, have a chance. It's never too late!

04 November 2010

The Hunting Day.

Once again a year passed away breezily and it was time for the annual results. The hostel was filled with tensed students. 

Yunus was the smart ass of the Harmony Welfare Boarding School in the picturesque hill town of Mussoorie. No one meddled with him as he was big for a 14 year boy. And like every result declartion day, he was excited. He called it the hunting day where he could pick on the kids who failed. He lead a pack of average joes like him who neither failed nor topped. It was his favourite day, but the worst day of the boys who failed.

The school was within a five minute walking distance from the hostel. As soon as they entered the school there was a blackboard at the entrance describing the results. The results of his class were:

Distinction: 13
First Class: 20
Second Class: 17
Fail: 1

Yunus knew that it had to be Ruskin. The puny little boy who regularly failed to answer in the class and was the butt of all jokes, especially Yunus' jokes. Today was the day when he would be hounded and laughed upon. Poor Ruskin.

Yunus entered the school gate with his flared chest asking every one about Ruskin's whereabouts. He was completely uninterested in going to class and collecting his result, but Golu wanted to get his. Golu was a rotund boy, perpetually scared about little things, therfore result day for him was like the Judgment Day. Yunus gave into Golu's constant requests to go to the class.

The senior wing of the school seated the ninth and the tenth grade students. Yunus was in the ninth grade.  The coming year would be the year to 'rule'. The year where he could bully any helpless soul. He entered the senior wing imagining pictures of next year in his head. The royal gait. The scared little juniors.

He entered his class and told Golu to get his result and leave as soon as possible. He did not want to miss the 'crowning shame' of the boy who failed. Golu hurried to the teacher and collected his report card and called the rest of the group to collect theirs too. The teacher, Ms. Jones, noticed Yunus not collecting his report card, so she called out, "Yunus don't you want to see your report card before your parents do?" He ignored. And then she yelled, "Yunus, you failed! 

Now he understood the reason why  the other kids stared at him and giggled when he entered the wing. These kids were not the seniors.  Each and everyone he passed had looked at him in the eye. This contradicted his routine. No boy had ever looked him in the eye! 

Yunus never felt so uncomfortable. Yunus had never been uncomfortable! He was taken aback. He walked out. He wanted to run away. The moment he walked out of the class over a hundred pair of eyes greeted him with Ruskin standing in the front. With the precision of an orchestra, all of them raised their right hand with the index fingers pointed at Yunus and laughed in unison. The painfully beautiful orchestrated move was lead by it's conductor, Ruskin.

Yunus threw the report card and sprinted to the hostel's direction like a cheetah. The only difference this time was, the cheetah was running away from the deers. He was the hunted.

P.S.: This short story is dedicated to one of my favourite writers, Ruskin Bond.

This story was inspired by a true life incident I heard ten years ago. A boy called Yunus walked into his college and unknowingly started ridiculing the lone failure which he later realized, was him. Legendary!

Ruskin Bond

03 November 2010

TV Is For Dumbasses - Are You One?

"I'm so excited!", "It's gonna be fun now!", "Yeah! the Twins are back!" are some of the exclamations I noticed as Raghu and his other bald identical twin are back on MTV Roadies.

Why do some people love watching loser participants who get high on expletives, constant bitching, and  some dumb fuck 'tasks' that creates a false illusion of adventure? There are so many morons in the whole country who remember names of the winners of all the seasons as if it were the list of past prohphets of humanity! Ask these people about their family trees and there's a high probabilty they won't have a clue. But if you ask them which Chutiya 'winner'  won which task, they would have an instant response.

Apart from the 'tasks', is it the rudeness of the participants towards each other combined with the beeped out expletives spoken by Raghu, the TRP grabbers?

Sample this.

Raghu (to participants): Would you like to wish luck to Pappu?
Bunty: All the best Pappu. Do well.
Raghu: Bunty you dumb fuck (beep)! Chutiya (beep) hai tu, saale agar woh jeet gaya to tujhe ghantaa aage badhnay milega. Are you a fucking (beep) saint?
Bunty: Visibly perturbed. (Acting scared as if someone caught him humping his neighbour!)

WTF!!! All I feel is that when the stupidity is evident, why the beep (:D) does the viewer wants to make an ass of himself by watching a band of wannabes and a foul mouthed host.  Are people so fond of voyeurism?

And then, I stumbled on the precise answer from marketing / management guru, Seth Godin.

"The thing is, watching TV has its benefits. It excuses you from the responsibility of having an informed opinion about things that matter. It gives you shallow opinions or false 'facts' that you can easily parrot to others that watch what you watch. It rarely unsettles our carefully self-induced calm and isolation from the world."

The striking words above were part of one of Seth Godin's post on his blog. Please read the entire post for getting a perspective.

Although there is no novelty in his post and my words too, but it again re-iterates in a polite manner, that "Morons, get a life! Stop watching dumb shows on TV and do something productive with your time!"

02 November 2010

Let's Offend Everyone.

My last post was on Chuck Palahniuk's masterpiece, Fight Club. A lot of people found Fight Club offensive. Such is the case that his novels are labeled as transgressional fiction. Chuck Palahniuk's page at Wikipedia says he's a transgressional fiction novelist. What does transgression mean?

Transgress means: Infringe or go beyond the bounds of (a moral principle or other established standards of behaviour) or click here for a detailed list of words. 

All artists and scientists are thinkers. Writers are thinkers too, so writers are artists. Artists are original thinkers. And when one ponders deep enough, one is bound to question established norms. Once in a while, artists everywhere create 'works' that offend a set of people who form norms for the society. (usually the torch bearers of morality, be it politicians, lawmakers or religious groups). These set of people are considered 'enlightened' by the common man. These set of people give the common man his thought and tells him what is right and what is wrong. The common man is robbed off his gift of 'thinking on his own' and lives his life with others like a herd of cattle dictated by a shepherd. 

Radical thoughts change the world, following the norms doesn't!

The 'father of modern science', Italian physicist, mathematician, astronomer and philosopher Galileo published 'Dialogue Concerning The Two Chief World Systems' in 1632. Post publishing, he had to spend the remaining years of his life under house arrest as he was suspected of heresy! Today, it's a fact taught in school that earth and the planets revolve around the sun and our man Galileo was arrested for finding out the truth which was against the established doctrine of the Church!

Today's transgression is tomorrow's classic. Sample this, James Joyce's Ulysses was banned in 1933 because of a soliloquy at the end of the book was considered obscene. Today, it's considered one of the greatest novels ever written!

Every feat of human achievement has been opposed and ridiculed when they were attempted for the first time. Every path breaking book was banned or criticized when it was published!  

Writing is all about the right to offend. The only people who talk and make noise about the 'right' things are politicians and religious groups. Writers have been writing wrong, are writing wrong and should continue to write wrong. What wrong am I talking about? The 'wrong' of today which is accepted as right by the society and never questioned. The 'wrong' of accepted notions of correctness and decency. This is  how the status quo can be questioned and change takes place in the society. 

The central idea of freedom of speech and freedom of expression is the right to offend. Heresy builds up the tolerance levels of a society. I want my country to be a tolerant one where every man can speak his mind without fear of being killed. While watching a TV channel with your family, if a lovemaking scene appears, you change the channel, right? Similarly, if you don't like what you hear, don't listen to it! Ignore! That's what democracy is all about. 

We're the largest democracy in the world, (You see Indians find orgasmic pleasures in quantity. We need to focus on quality) but USA is undoubtedly the best democracy in the world. USA today, understands that democracy and religion/culture are 2 different things. Democracy is rational whereas culture and religion are emotional. It needs to be kept out of democracy. I'm taking an extreme example as it widely known. The USA is a predominantly Christian country, and teachings of the Church condemn pornography, but USA is the largest producer and consumer of pornography. The country has Churches churning out sermons as well as multi billion dollar pornographic studios churning out movies by the day. Both co-exist! 

The Vatican is in Italy and most of the thinkers have been Italian. Think about it. Galileo, Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo! They were transgressors of the past but the society is refined now. Freedom exists in the true sense. 

My thoughts and writings, sometimes, are offensive and they definitely would not please a lot of readers. I'm a religious fellow but in my head, I'm a heretic who always questions norms. Over the years, I have cultivated the ability to be 2 different persons in the same head and coexist.

So I say, transgress if you want to grow. Piss on the status quo. Where heretics and critics are silenced, there will be a repressive society. (And unfortunately I live in one!)