Harvard Invites BMC to Lecture White House!

In a world where governments try hard to work within deadlines and provide world class solutions to the public, BMC stands apart. Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation or BMC is a body which has some credentials that nobody can match with. 

The constant year round digging of roads and perfectly imperfect patchwork was noticed by Harvard. They were totally amazed to see the year round precision in digging roads and the amateurishly ingenius ways of filling it. What attracted Harvard was the true artistic blend of tar and dirt in patching up the road. 

The dean of Harvard said, "Even a 10 year old American kid would know how to make a straight levelled patchwork on the roads. What truly amazes me is that how do grown up Engineers, Contractors and Supervisors not make a levelled road! It takes true courage, grit and determination to forget one's basics to create art in simple contracting and engineering." 

The dean's eyes swelled with tears of sheer joy when he spoke the above words. He continued by wiping off a tear, "And the sheer act of filling up potholes with gravel, mud and very rarely tar makes me think, why don't we have artists like these in America? Why? There are so many good things that happens when the potholes are filled with gravel. And even better things when they are left in peace as every pothole has a story to say! I've come to know women undergoing labour pains have felt so relieved when their ambulances pass through the gaping potholes. So many families have saved money because these women gave birth on way because of the crests and curves of the artisitic patchwork and unique strategically formed potholes! In our country people go to the gym for boxing. In Mumbai they just fight on the road because of these one of a kind inventive, crafty roads lead to beautiful traffic snarls.We want to study the benefits of roads like Mumbai. In Mumbai, cars die down in maximum 4-5 years because of the roads whereas here even when someone sells it after a decade, it's almost perfect. No wonder car companies are lining up in India. We have to save our car companies and save them from bankruptcies. People will buy cars when their old cars wear down. We need roads like Mumbai to revive our industry. There are so many parallel industries which will be supported. For example the fitness industry, especially the back pain specialists will thrive. Shrinks will be overloaded with frustrated people. I can't imagine the endless imagination. I'm so happy that I want to cry!"

He continues, "We have always been Consumerism driven country and we want our countrymen to spend more. With roads like Mumbai, businesses in USA will sprout like weed and grass." (apparently the dean was high, I guess)

The Americans will save USA by building Mumbai like roads! We wanted to be the Shanghai of India, but destiny had other plans. BMC has put Mumbai literally, in USA! The American people have filed a petition to rename Washington DC to Mumbaston BMC. It's said that there will be a paan spitting competition inside the White House to make all corners glow in red to welcome the BMC delegates so that they feel at home.  

Mr. Roadaala Phaadkar, Mr. Jantaala Chodkar, Mr. Paiselaa Khaakar, Mr. Khawoon Dakaarmaarkar and Mr. Yeda Banaakar visited for a guest lecture at the White House organized by Harvard.(Don't ask me how!)   

Mr. Yeda Banaakar felt very proud today. People put a city on the map of another country, but BMC literally put  a whole country in his city! He started his speech, "We don't do anything special to create art on roads. We follow one simple rule that defines us. This is the first time that it is been shared with the common public. It's our life's motto and it goes like this. HUMEIN SIRF KHODNAA AUR CHODNAA AATA HAI. (we only know to dig and fuck) Jahaan hum raaste mein khadday khodtay hain aur public ki khushi chodtay hain!"

Listening these golden words the President of USA Firaaq Yedamaa leapt out of his seat and started hitting his head like Nana Patekar. Why? Because he realised his mistake. He wanted to bring change for the good to revive his country. But actually his country needed change for the bad! The Indians knew it. This is the reason of India's lightning fast progress. DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE PEOPLE. JUST GET BUSINESS! Simple. It wasn't a Nana Patekar moment, it was a 'why didn't we think of this' moment. 

How shameless we Mumbaikars are? We should spit on each other's face for accusing BMC to do a shoddy job all round the year. If they had not been so artistically creative, USA couldn't have saved itself. We are so selfish to think that a huge chunk of our tax money goes to some ingenius officers' pockets. Don't you know, they deserve this money. They put so much time to think and create 'art on road'. We are so narrow minded that we wanted precision of levelled roads. How stupid we all are? It's only with open minds we can understand that when we were expecting basic contracting, simple engineering jobs which required minor child like planning, the geniuses of this great agency were creating art and subconsciously saving USA! 

Move over M. F. Hussain, BMC is here! 

P.S. I'm just too frustrated by Mumbai roads, thought to vent out 'artistically creative' way :p (I know I have used these two words a lot!)

Metrosexuals Are Gay!

Before I start, I would like to enlighten the reader with a few definitions. The definitions have been sourced from Wikipedia.

Heterosexual

Heterosexuality consists of sexual behavior, practices, and identity predicated on exclusive preference or desire for the opposite sex.

Homosexual

Homosexuality refers to an enduring pattern of or disposition to experience sexual or romantic attractions primarily or exclusively to people of the same sex

Metrosexual

Metrosexual is a blend of the words metropolitan and heterosexual, coined in 1994, describing a man who displays characteristics associated with homosexual men (such as a strong concern for his appearance), although he is not homosexual. Debate surrounds the term's use as a theoretical signifier of sex deconstruction and its associations with consumerism.

I feel that there are only two kinds of people, heterosexual and homosexual. I’m a heterosexual male who feels that homosexuals deserve their rights. But I feel that these metrosexuals are robbing our homosexual friends of their identities. How?

I want u to read the definition for metrosexuals once again, especially this part - who displays characteristics of homosexual men.

So, if there’s a straight, heterosexual man who displays characteristics of a homosexual man, is he partly gay. YES! Then that way, a metrosexual man is partly gay!

I really don’t know, why do some heterosexual males want to be metrosexuals? The definition (and if you have common sense) will tell you that it’s a cleverly disguised ploy to get a hell lot of money out of your pocket to make you,  partly homosexual (the consumerism angle). And you know what? There are men who fall for it!

Yes! You are paying your own hard earned money to be gay! (Well…partly!)

Now the men who say that metrosexuality is not being gay, I say, screw you! You’re morons who don’t think for yourselves.

In 1994, a British journalist called Mark Simpson coined this term to sell some glossy magazines to men. This fucker told you that you need to get a manicure and pedicure, to get your body and your ass waxed, to get facials, apply cream on your face, colour your hair, etc. etc. etc. And men listened. Rather, men, with money and a lot of free time, listened.

Over the period of years, marketers have convinced men that they need some cream before they get out of home. Salons are catering to men for manicure, pedicure, body and ass waxing! (I can’t tell the yucky feeling I’m getting to write all this)

With all due respect, let’s leave the above, obviously incomplete list of things for the ladies. (I’m not saying homosexuals because they are actually emulating the ladies)

The argument that I’ve heard is that metrosexuality makes a man, CLEAN. I say, fuck you! It makes a man, a sissy!

Imagine you have your kid playing with some guests at home and they ask him or her, “Where is your daddy?” And your kid replies, “Daddy has gone to the salon for a manicure and a pedicure!” How lame is that?

Marketers have filled garbage in men’s head that we men need to be ‘clean’ in a ‘metrosexual’ way to attract women. There’s a difference between cleanliness and being a sissy.

If a man takes a bath every day, (and if you sweat badly, bath twice) he is clean. If a man cuts his nails once a week, he’s clean. If a man cuts his hair once a month, he is clean. (and presentable) If a man wears washed, ironed clothes, he’s clean. If a man trims his pubic hair regularly, he’s clean. (Sorry for the last one ladies, I need to drive the point into the minds of my kind)

All I’m saying is that a man needs to be clean and hygienic. We men don’t need some company to tell us what to do and how to live our lives! 

If I’m not mistaken, looks are important for women too. But most women give more importance to other, more concerning attributes, like the man’s intelligence, his ability to hold an interesting conversation, his etiquettes, etc. (and his bank balance too :p Not always I know!)

Ladies, tell me if I’m wrong.

And if there are women who want their men waxed, I say, they are lesbian’s in their head!

There is a clear demarcation of things that only women do and should be left to them. If homosexual men do it, it’s cool. Why? Well, because they are homosexuals! But if straight men do it and proclaim that they are metrosexuals, they are definitely faggots in their heads!

TV Is For Dumbasses - Are You One?

"I'm so excited!", "It's gonna be fun now!", "Yeah! the Twins are back!" are some of the exclamations I noticed as Raghu and his other bald identical twin are back on MTV Roadies.

Why do some people love watching loser participants who get high on expletives, constant bitching, and  some dumb fuck 'tasks' that creates a false illusion of adventure? There are so many morons in the whole country who remember names of the winners of all the seasons as if it were the list of past prohphets of humanity! Ask these people about their family trees and there's a high probabilty they won't have a clue. But if you ask them which Chutiya 'winner'  won which task, they would have an instant response.

Apart from the 'tasks', is it the rudeness of the participants towards each other combined with the beeped out expletives spoken by Raghu, the TRP grabbers?

Sample this.

Raghu (to participants): Would you like to wish luck to Pappu?
Bunty: All the best Pappu. Do well.
Raghu: Bunty you dumb fuck (beep)! Chutiya (beep) hai tu, saale agar woh jeet gaya to tujhe ghantaa aage badhnay milega. Are you a fucking (beep) saint?
Bunty: Visibly perturbed. (Acting scared as if someone caught him humping his neighbour!)

WTF!!! All I feel is that when the stupidity is evident, why the beep (:D) does the viewer wants to make an ass of himself by watching a band of wannabes and a foul mouthed host.  Are people so fond of voyeurism?

And then, I stumbled on the precise answer from marketing / management guru, Seth Godin.

"The thing is, watching TV has its benefits. It excuses you from the responsibility of having an informed opinion about things that matter. It gives you shallow opinions or false 'facts' that you can easily parrot to others that watch what you watch. It rarely unsettles our carefully self-induced calm and isolation from the world."

The striking words above were part of one of Seth Godin's post on his blog. Please read the entire post for getting a perspective.

Although there is no novelty in his post and my words too, but it again re-iterates in a polite manner, that "Morons, get a life! Stop watching dumb shows on TV and do something productive with your time!"

Alter & Me*

*Following post has provocative language! :-P

I was with my friend Alter walking around Lokhandwala. Then we reached his building and sat on the benches in the mini park within his building.

I was talking to myself, “Here I am, standing at yet another crossroads of my life, desperately pondering which path to choose. Which path will take me to my goal? It’s time, time to choose a career option. But I have to be careful because the choice I make will define my career.”

I told Alter, “Well now that the placement season is in full swing, I have realized something – I’m in Deep Shit!”

Alter said sarcastically, “How do you realize that now Einstein?”

I replied irritatingly, “Like most of the people I know from my Institute and elsewhere, even I don’t have the faintest idea what I want to do?

And Alter, being the sadist he is, asked, “Ha ha ha! Why do you say like other people? Does it give you pleasure that there are other tortured souls like you?”

“Shut up Bhenchod!” I said. “It’s just that it feels a little better knowing that I’m not the only one. I could use some company who understands me, unlike you, who’s sarcastic down to each and every cell.”

“You know I could be of some use to you. If you want me to help you,” said Alter.

“Like how?” I said.

Alter suggested, “Let’s explore some career options for you.”

Uninterested, I said, “Fine, but on one condition that you’ll not screw my happiness. Ok?”

Alter replied “Yeah sure. You know, actually I’m tired of mauling you day in and day out. I can use a break. So why don’t you put down some options and we’ll discuss it out.”

So there I was, racking my brain for some career options which suited my very limited worldly acquired skills. For a change Alter kept his gutter of a mouth shut. The silence helped me to concentrate and jot down my options. I borrowed a 2 Rs. pen from the Nepali watchman and a paper from the bhel-puri wallah. After about 30 minutes, the list was ready and I handed it over to Alter.

This is what the list read - Actor, Teacher, Researcher, Journalist, Media-person, Biologist, Film critic, Branding, Public Relations, Communication and Writer!

On reading Alter just looked up with a visible question mark on his face.

Without wasting a single nano second I started blurting my regular styled unpatented justifications, “You know we are so much over-burdened by information that if it were to be printed out, we’ll drown under it. Not technically because one can drown only in liquid, hehe. Anyway, even the people whom we consider our guides aren’t of much help to us because they too, like us, are under the same shit of information overload! Everywhere we see or read or listen, we are told that this is the best time to live in; we have got so many options ahead of us. Duh! We know it. But all of these people fail to understand something very important, i.e. it is also a very stressful time to live where decision making has not only become longer but also very tedious. So you see, that’s why I have so many options!”

“Waah! Waah! Waah! Mere sher”, exclaimed Alter, “Aadmi ek aur kaam hazaar, aa teri g@*d maaru mere yaar.”

And now I understood why Alter kept quiet for all those 30 long minutes. He was about to take my case; left, right and centre!

Alter stated very sarcastically, “Just because you’re an MBA you think you can do anything in the world Mr. Know All? The problem with you is that you have no core competency. So tell me what differentiates you from others? You know, forget it. Let’s explore your options, shall we?”

He continued, “Actor – this is not an option you moron. This is a fantasy because you’re a film addict. Go f*@# yourself for putting this in black and white.”

He went on, “Next, Teacher – well, your intention is good, it can be explored later, not now. Simply because you neither have an educator’s degree nor any experience. So why the heck didn’t you pursue a Bachelors or Masters in Education degree?

Clearing his throat, “Ahem, Researcher. Right. Yeah you can do that, but only if you got the balls to work for more than 12 hours a day, you morbid dog.”

Listening to him wasn’t so bad. Apart from being used to his judgemental mockery, I, Mr. Know All was part of Hawa Mahal Management Institute, where your layers of dignity were shredded regularly to the last peel, all in the name of preparing us for the cruel corporate world. An Institute can’t train me to face the rigours of life; I had Alter with me ever since I gained consciousness.

Alter had resumed speaking from his only minute pause and shrugging his droopy shoulders, looked up to me and asked with a menacing look, “Biologist?”

I jumped to the point and without giving an opportunity to Alter to speak, I warranted, “Spare your invaluable energy on my inexplicable choice. If I was interested in biology I should have pursued it and blah, blah, blah. Sorry. Go on.”

Alter was visibly pissed off now. He lit his cigarette, puffed the smoke and ranted again, “Film critic. You think you can be Taran Adarsh? Do you know how many years he must have slogged to reach the bottom-most section of the pyramid of Bollywood which you feel is very glamorous?” He paused but this time he smiled and said, “But giving your love for movies you might do well, in another 10-20 years.”

Wow, if there was an award for the Best A$$h&*@ friend in the world, I’m sure Alter would have easily beaten the other pricks.

I offered to surrender and asked Alter if we can stop. He said that there wasn’t any harm in discussing another 2-3 options. So we continued, much to my dismay.

“So my dear Einstein, you think you can also be Public Relations guy?” My best friend Alter went on, “You can do well if you can be considered as a social butterfly. Naaaaa! You like to keep yourself, so there’s a slight mismatch”

I was happy that Alter was mellowing down in his prognosis of my career options.

“Communication”, he said, “give some thought here. You are a decent speaker and write well too.”

Now to the ordinary person the above statement is mundane, but that, coming from Alter was like a unique recognition for me, like an Oscar for Govinda. I wanted to pinch myself, it’s rarely that Alter speaks well of people.

And puffing the last drag from his smooth Davidoff Lights, he flicked the butt and exhaled, and uttered with an unmistakable sarcastic grin, “So Mr. Know All wants to be like Amer Khusro, a Writer. This seems very interesting. From what I see, you do have the skills, but writers f*^#ing don’t get paid man, unless and until they are established and have some credibility.

And that was the end of my list which Alter burned after analysing, with the courtesy of his Harley Davidson Zippo lighter which I gifted him on the day when he broke up with his girl-friend. Yeah I gifted him on a sad day because I thought I could be as sadistic as him, if not more. But the bastard got so elated that he took me for dinner and puffed half a pack of his Davidoffs. I just can’t beat this guy.

Anyway, I thought it’s good to have a questioning, sarcastic, pessimistic, yet a true friend like Alter who gives you the glimpse of the harsh reality of the cunning world waiting outside shrewdly, to try to shatter your ambitions and make you stoop.

So after a 2 minute silence which felt like an eternity, I asked, “Alter, so tell me what I should do?”

And then he answered me with a tight slap on my right cheek.

I shouted “Aaaah! What’s wrong?”

And there was my mother like the ever hovering moon over earth shouting on my face, “Rascal! Its 1pm you better wake up or I’ll rub some green chili pepper in your eyes.”

I was up in a flash just like how The Undertaker, the wrestler from WWE used to get up when he was thumped in the ring. I was dreaming. And this dream was as clear as watching an original DVD of Madagascar on a 51 inch plasma TV with surround sound.

But from the dream I got my answer from my alter ego, Alter.

Realising the answer almost felt like what Moses must have felt when Yahweh or Christ’s Papa or Allah or God, whatever you may call him, revealed the tablet of Ten Commandments, the feeling of being scared by the Truth.

The answer was that I have no special talent, I am only passionately curious. And this zest for learning is what creates a difference in me.

The only point is it’s not cosmetic. It can’t be seen or explained. It’s internal, very personal.

I got my answer, not the answer for the question of career, but the larger and more encompassing questioning that riddles everyone, the question of Life.

I have understood one thing no matter what I’ll do in my life; I know that every day when I’ll wake up, I will have my curiosity to give me a million reasons to live for that day. How am I so sure? Because I realized that this is how I’ve kept going on all these years.

As far as my career options are concerned, I would like to quote a very eminent, enlightened man, Baba Chetan Maharaj , who was once an MBA student of Hawa Mahal Management Institute. And his saying goes like this, ‘If things don’t turn out the way you want them. Chill dude! Leave it to God.’

On a closing note, I guess there’s a plan for all of us. HE works HIS work in mysterious ways. Some people like it, some people don’t.